Compendium (return)


Here, you will find – exclusively – my humble compendium of letters. These are the correspondence I have maintained with my family. I submit them to your review for reasons I do not understand.

Forgive such musings as here follow. They are merely awkward attempts to understand a reality which eludes language. And, now they are yours.

5.12.2019

Carys Comma



I'm here. I've got you. That is what I whisper as I hold you in our small circle of light.

The shadows outside the circle are vague. They dart and weave through darkness.

We hear them out there. They whisper and hiss. Is it language they use, or is it just the guttural sounds of predation?

I can sense your tenseness, your concern, as we grip each other and will the darkness away. But, the darkness persists, the shadows harry our circle. 

You are crying now. What is it?

I don't know. Just hold on.

But, I soon sense the rising intensity of the darkness - the danger.

Suddenly, a streak of darkness darts into the light. It envelops you and yanks you away. I try to grip harder and so do you. But, the darkness overcomes us, pulling you away. I hear your scream fading into the darkness.

I go to chase you, but stop at the edge of the light. I look all around, panicked. Desperation is filling my mind. My sanity is losing its hinges. I feel compelled to run headlong into the dark. I feel compelled to search for you, find you, and bring you back to this safety, to this circle.

Yet, I remain. I do not run into the darkness. I do not brave the wild shadows.

Instead, I sit. I begin to pray.

From time to time, I stand and look all around as far as I can see. I do this over and over. I sit and pray, then stand up and peer all around through the darkness. I will continue to do this and I do not know how long.

But, I hope.

I hope that one day I will see, somewhere in the dark, a small circle of light bravely piercing through.

... 

5.11.2019

Caedmon Comma



We unknowingly veer from our best and from what is best for us. We sometimes drift off course, even while searching for destination. Perhaps, we just snooze at the wheel. Whatever the case, we end up at a place foreign and uncomfortable.

We forget that which is meant to guide us. We forget the navigational beacons that populate our lives and our souls.

When they are working, these beacons point us toward the best places for us. They show us the way through dangerous travel and assist us in finding the destinations that we need. When we leave these beacons, or ignore them, we find peril or hardship.

At times, it may be necessary to leave the guidance of the beacons. At times, you may have to explore the wild places beyond safety. There, you will experience toil, loss, and bewilderment. You will grow weary from facing the challenges and you will long for better places, for safety.

Remember, you can always go back. You can always find those beacons and follow them back to the path you once knew.

And when you do, we will be waiting and joyful with your return,

Dad


6.15.2017

Carys Comma

Caribou,

You shock the ancestry - the lineage. The history of you before and the you that is yet to be pivots on your momentous now.

You... Now...

The You Now savages the timeline with your temporal compassion.

The You Now enforces the immediacy of the present.

The You Now puts me on my heels, and prompts me to recognize your alien propiniquity... your salvific proximity.


I have always been a creature of the past, and sometimes the future. But, the present... that is where I struggle. This must create a tension.

I want to be better... 

... like you.



Dad

1.31.2017

Carys Comma

Caribou,

I am happiest when we are all together - when we are in each other's presence.

Happiness has been a mystery to me for a long time. You have taught me so much about it, When you are happy, you are luminous and intoxicating. You are able to enchant everyone in your vicinity with your gaiety. Typically, your joy is on display when you will purposefully do something ridiculous, and then, in response to your own actions break out in to a fit of wild giggles. Your hilarity spreads to your susceptible mother and your less willing brother. And I, well I'm also swept up into all that is you.

But, these moments fill me with awe. I am awed by you and your joyous capacity.

Since the day you were born, you have exercised an incredible power over this family. You hypnotize us with incantations of your very self. The energy of your spirit flows into out lives and it energizes us. Your power is like that of the Sun, which rises even after the darkest night.

Thank you for being you, my daughter. I hope you always are.


Dad  

10.19.2016

Caedmon Comma

My Son,

Tonight, you were mad. I don't mean that in the emotional sense, but in the psychologically euphemistic sense. You were so upset that you were filled with madness.

You had worked so hard to earn a particular privilege, but a series of behavioral missteps resulted in the revocation of those earned privileges.  Upon hearing that, you blew up. You screamed and yelled. You earned a few more revocations. This caused you to become all the more unhinged. You tore your room apart and even damaged some of your own stuff. But, this was not enough. You needed to hurt the people who had caused the injustice: your parents. So, you emerged out of your room, armed with several stuffed animals and proceeded to hurl them at me.

I was very proud of your arm accuracy. The first, some stuffed reptilian creature hit me square in the forehead. Your second toss (I think it was a small dog) also struck home. I announced that what you had just done was assault and that there would be consequences. At this, you abandoned your remaining ammunition and retreated to your wrecked room in a flood of tears and vehement condemnations.  

Your mother and I have tried to be consistent disciplinarians. We take it as a point of pride and pithy philosophy that we are not raising children -  we are raising responsible adults. Rules are rules and there are always consequences. In both of our professions, we see the results of parenting-gone-wrong. From time to time this dedication may result in your parents tending to overcompensate in our sternness. I can understand why you think that we are too harsh or too strict.

Once you settled down, we asked you into the dining room, sat you in a chair and announced that you were welcome to plead your case, but a punishment would be enacted. We listened as you rattled off a series of grievances about our own behaviors. We tried to understand your perspective. We attempted to apologize for misunderstandings and actual slights. But, your objections were found to be merit-less, and it was time for sentencing.

Oh... you moaned, it is going to be something horrible, and then you attempted to rehash all that we had done wrong. You had sat in that chair before and you knew that you were wrong. You knew how consistent your mom and dad were in rendering judgement for unacceptable behavior. So, you reached for every mitigating factor you could find and hurled them at us.  

I interrupted you and said, "You're forgiven."

I was not even sure that you knew what that word meant because it was the first time that word had been spoken from me to you. Forgiven.

Your mom and I try so hard to raise you and your sister right. We want to prepare you for the rigors of life and create moralities and work ethics that can thrive in a world that is harsh and sometimes dangerous. But, in that quest, we may fail to prepare you for something just as important, yet antithetical - love.

As you were railing against me with your long list of problems that you had with my parenting, and while I was attempting to listen, I was horrified to realize how very little of the Christianity - that I hold so dear - I have used in my relationship with you. And I wondered - what am I doing? What is the point of this? Perhaps his madness is justified. A world without grace is indeed maddening to me, isn't it?

In response to our reprieve, you became suddenly quiet. As you got up, you softly worked it out verbally.

Forgiven? That's surprising, you mumbled and shuffled off to another room.

You were right. It was surprising. It always is. It always should be.

A world bent on justice is sometimes interrupted by grace and mercy, son. Such things leave us unsettled, and unsure - foundation-less. Forgiveness is the shocking scandal that leaves us dumbfounded and wrecked.

Someday I hope you can surprise your kids with mercy. Someday, I hope you can grant forgiveness to me.


 


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