Caedmon Comma
My Son,
There are times at night while you sleep, when I struggle in the night to stay awake. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by my concern for your wellbeing, that I try to sleep as lightly as possible so I can listen. What am I listening for? Maybe it is some irregularity in your breathing. Maybe it is you calling out in distress. Maybe I am listening for some phantom of the night intruding into our home.
The truth is, I don't know what I'm listening for. It just seems like if I can keep my eyes open, I can be there for you.
I want to be there for you, my boy. There is so much in this world that is dangerous and complex, and one day you will be old enough to deal with it, but not yet. Until you can deal with this world on your own, I want to be the shelter and the guide. The thought of failing you in this role, keeps me awake at night.
But, alas, I always seem to fall to sleep. The fears and concerns slowly become muted and they fade. Despite my listening, despite the dangers, my eyes inevitably close. And when they close, they close with a calm faith that you will be okay.
I live in fear that the grip that I have on you and this life will slip, just as my mother's did. I am paralyzed by the thought of you having to live your life on your own - bewildered and vulnerable. I hate the thought of your small hands grasping in the dark, lost and your confused voice calling for me.
I want to tell you that I won't ever leave you. I want to say that I will always be here for you. But, I can't promise that. All we have is the time that we are given and who can know when that time will end.
All I can promise is that I will try to alway be there for you, but one day I will not. Depsite my efforts otherwise, one day my eyes will close a final time. And when they do so, they will close with a calm faith that you will be okay.
They say there is another life beyond this one. But, I am terrified of any life that requires me to leave you in the previous one.
Dada
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