Keelie Comma

My Keelie,

You are amazing embodied. How you can be so much, so easily astounds me.

I work hard to provide for our little family. Yet, all the while I am doing it, I know you could do it so much better. But, even if you were the primary financial source for our family, I can think of no greater parent. There has never been a better, more loving mother.

There is so much grace and life within you. I bask in your presence. I stand in awe of the reality I find myself in: that one so glorious glides beautiful through my constant thoughts.

You are a dream to me still.

Keelie Comma

I guess you don't need it
I guess you don't want me to repeat it
But everything I have to give I'll give to you
It's not like we planned it
You tried to stay, but you could not stand it
To see me shut down slow
as though it was an easy thing to do

Listen when
All of this around us'll fall over
I tell you what we're gonna do
You will shelter me my love
And I will shelter you
I will shelter you

- Ray LaMontagne, "Shelter"

My Child Comma

My Child,

Today your mother was trying to illustrate for me how long you were and that started us into a discussion about the best way to illustrate two and a half inches. Whatever the best way is, you are still very small right now.

And I wonder what it must be like to live a strange small life inside such a one as your mother. She is this startling, wonderful package of laughter and love and whispered beauty. Does that mean that you are floating in all that? How wonderful that must be.

Your mother tells me about how warm and safe it is inside of her - where you live now. And as she tells me this, I can't help but think that it will be warm and safe out here, too. And that is because of your mother.

I read this book, from time to time, that talks about a reality that is safe and warm in a future time, a future world. And I think in that time, we will all be like children again. And I think there, our Mother will surround us with love.

Take up your arm
Sons and daughters
We will arise from the bunkers
By land, by sea, by dirigible
We'll leave our tracks untraceable now

When we arrive
Sons and daughters
We'll make our lives on the water...

Here all the bombs fade away

-The Decemberists
"Sons and Daughters"

My Child Comma

My Child,

travels

Long ago we lost the blues-fed longing for mercy that made the world so glad. My child, somewhere long ago we lost the lonely vocation that would wrap us with all the silly wonder we now long to find. And even I, your father, can look back on a long trail spanning two decades. I can see my path clearly - it is littered with ideals that have fell from me, step after step, compromise galore.

And now, the Utopia I was supposed to build for you seems far far away. It may be too far for me to ever achieve; but I can guarantee that the road there will not be crowded. It won't be filled with the throng.

I cannot commend you to it, but I hope that you will go.

Keelie Comma

When I am alone
When I’ve thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you, that's when I miss you,
You who are my home
And here is what I know now
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love...

- Alexi Murdoch
From "Orange Sky"

My Child Comma

My child,

It snowed so much yesterday. You should have seen it.

You have made your mother very tired lately. She came home yesterday dizzy and badly in need of a rest on the couch. It's good, though - please know that. We are so happy to have your pleasent inconveniences in our life.

I have been learning a lot about myself lately and a lot about what happened to me when I was smaller, when I was younger. And, I've learned that so much of what happened then has made me what i am now. I now know that I learned long ago how to run from the deepest emotions. I ran because my deep emotions were like dark, mysterious caves and when i was younger and smaller I needed to stay away from those caves - those frightening places. But, now your mother gives me so much love and affection that it opens up those deep caves and I try to run and I try to hide and i tis so hard to remember that I am bigger now - I'm older. I can deal with caves now.

My child, when you are in my arms and in my home, I hope my caves and my deep places are open to you.

It snowed so much yesterday. You should have seen it. Pure white snow covered the whole world and made it bright and beautiful.

My Child Comma

Potential

My Child,

The other day your mother and I went to the doctor's office. They told us all sorts of mundane and boring details about you. They told us about your nutrition and your needs. Right now, you are so small they refer to you as cellular. You're so small that you're a microscopic jumble of potential and magic.

I have so much that I'm going to tell you, to show you... so much we're going to see. Your mother touches her abdomen and smiles in beauty, and right now you are hiding safely somewhere inside of all that beauty.

God help me, I hope it is warm and safe for you out here with me. We can hide, together. I'm going to try so hard - I really will.

Right now, you're so small that you're just a jumble of potential and magic. But, your heart will soon be beating and I swear I can hear your anointing from here. Such music is so kind, so beautiful ... full of magic and hope...

Keelie Comma

When you told me, I went back to bed, back to sleep and the elusive reality patiently awaited my full attention. When I took my morning shower, I reviewed the to-do list in my head and thought about the taste of coffee. Every once in a while, that day, what you told me would creep back in my head and remind me that things are often new. But, my day continued.

After lunch, I sat back at my desk and what you told me returned to my mind, and this time it stuck. I got up from my desk and walked downstairs, I lay down on the couch and watched my hands tremble.

I know all the reasons my hand trembled. I know that what you told me means I am no longer young. I know that what you told me means we are no longer two. I know that what you told means everything will be different from now on. I know that the world has transformed. I know why my hands tremble.

The trembling passed thought, and the reality of what you told sunk deeper... deeper than my hands. The reality sank into my heart. I thought about baseball games and small cries in the night. I thought about the smiles of a tiny person illuminating our home and our lives.

I thought about extension, my love. I thought about all that these three years have meant to me. I thought of how wonderful and beautiful this has all been. I realized that now, we have given all of that to the world.

Keelie, when we leave this world behind, we will leave our unity and communion behind as well in the form of our child.

What you told me has filled me with so much joy.