My Child Comma

sanding

My Child,

I spent almost all day yesterday sanding the floor of what will be your room. Beneath the carpet, we found some old wood flooring in pretty rough shape. So, we're preparing it for your arrival. Soon, we'll stain, we'll varnish, and watch the floor shine in anticipation of your arrival.

You'll have to excuse a couple spots on the floor. They almost appear gray. I think they are spots where furniture has scraped the floor in some time in the past. I like to think that such scars show age and experience. I like to think that these blemishes make the floor well qualified to walk upon and fall against.

I thought about the worst harm. This worst harm is that harm which we inflict on our selves. I still carry the guilt and consequences of the times I've hurt others. I carry the pain. I like to think that such scars show age and experience. I like to think that these blemishes make me well qualified to walk upon and fall against.

Somewhere in the midst of sanding that floor, I stopped, sat down on the floor, and watched as the sun descended somewhere beyond the window... somewhere beyond the West. They say there are mountains in the West - mountains that can reach up and touch the whiteness of the clouds. But, the mountains are jagged and pocked from erosion and experience. How extraordinary to experience so much... to touch the sky...

I thought about you. I thought about the skies you will touch.

My Child Comma

Like the storied rabbit, I long to be real.

Maybe you will help me with this, for I am threatened by this fever and this fire. The city on seven hills burns as Nero laughs and blames, and I can only watch it slip away.

And I fear that you will be the boy that smooths my velvet, that puts breath in my lungs. I fear you will coax a holy tear down my tattered face. I "fear" because I should be the one teaching you. But, somehow, I think you will teach me far more than I could ever teach you.

And all I can offer you in return, is a home and a heart eager to beat a rhythm of love, lungs eager to breathe; and a tattered, used up velvet touch.

When you enter this world, I will tell you of the storied rabbit, longing to be real.

You are so real to me,
so real...

My Child Comma

My Child,

I hope you're alright, because this week your mother had to go through a lot. She had to face some things and do some things that were not easy. Yet, she showed such courage and such fire in this situation, that I beamed in pride... adoration.

Right now, she's sleeping on the couch while I write this. Earlier tonight, we went out and celebrated with a meal and a gift. The gift was a set of earrings for your mom. The earrings were the shape of butterflies, with wings outstretched, as if ready for the wind. We thought these were appropriate, since this week your mom left behind a cocoon of doubt and guilt, with hopes of flight.

My child, one day you're going to have to be brave enough to climb out of a cocoon. One day, you'll need to grow long delicate wings and allow yourself to be lifted on the wind. It is not an easy thing to do - to leave a warm, safe cocoon for all the dangers of flight. But, it has to be done. Because wings are made for flight and flights are made for courage, and courage is something we can all look upon with pride... adoration.

Don't let anyone stop you - especially me.

My Child Comma

My child,

It snowed so much yesterday. You should have seen it.

You have made your mother very tired lately. She came home yesterday dizzy and badly in need of a rest on the couch. It's good, though - please know that. We are so happy to have your pleasent inconveniences in our life.

I have been learning a lot about myself lately and a lot about what happened to me when I was smaller, when I was younger. And, I've learned that so much of what happened then has made me what i am now. I now know that I learned long ago how to run from the deepest emotions. I ran because my deep emotions were like dark, mysterious caves and when i was younger and smaller I needed to stay away from those caves - those frightening places. But, now your mother gives me so much love and affection that it opens up those deep caves and I try to run and I try to hide and i tis so hard to remember that I am bigger now - I'm older. I can deal with caves now.

My child, when you are in my arms and in my home, I hope my caves and my deep places are open to you.

It snowed so much yesterday. You should have seen it. Pure white snow covered the whole world and made it bright and beautiful.